Monday, December 05, 2005

Vancouver Weather Alert

December 5, 2005

Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ΒΌ centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the Lower Mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops.

Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in.

With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.

Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver's most terrible storm to date.

The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur lined sandals.

Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.

Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants.

Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below.

"The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I didn't pay $850,000 for my bachelor condo in the West End so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto."